We Had Fun, Its Ashame No One Else Did.

I think living the hardcore lifestyle allows for you to predict a certain amount of things that the off street dude can’t. I also think that I’ve come to the point where I living on this 2 or 3 year cycle where all of a sudden I see these kids and their attitudes and I can reference the cycles previous to it and just know everything about them and what they’re going to do. Lately my young boys have been bitching about these herbs from the burbs that are anti FSU and anti us.

I am once again the white devil enslaving the local scene and obviously ruining everyone’s good fun. Its been that way for years. I’m always the bane of someone’s hardcore existence. There is someone out there doing things much better or more true to the cause then I am. My friends are always wrong and just bullies. I can go back and harp on this for another paragraph but it won’t do me any cathartic justice. I’ve grown accustomed to it. I’ve read all the interviews with the herbs like Another Breath, Dangers, etc. The hardcore scene is so violent, gangs ruin everything, can’t we all just get along by shit talking each other online?

I am passed that point in my life where I really think I can change everyone’s perception of me and where my intentions lie. I’ve got a lot of distance and growth from what I used to associate fun at a show with. From then to now, I can say with ease that the days of me just laying you out for something incidental is beyond over. In fact I can say now with hindsight on my side that the days of brawling for nonsensical mosh beef is over. I can think back to my late teens where the anxiety and stress was so high, it was those weekend nights, 40’s before the shows, crew hanging out front that made life worth living. If it meant hitting someone over something my friend instigated, or going the extra distance to “prove” myself in some way you can be sure as shit that I was guilty as charged. There was a lot of anger in those days. I am still conflicted between wanting to just take the easy way out and get violent or using my head and getting through it in a different course.

I was always conflicted if I really want to get real and examine it. I was young and new and booking shows not far from my house. My friends were always right, I would say that first off. I will stay say that to this day. I have nothing without the guys that kept me from sinking into the depths of hell for good. But some of the shit that we pulled I wouldn’t let fly today. I think its almost sad that I was spending large amounts of time and money booking the “unbookable” and having a blast at my owns and in the same breath not giving a fuck about what I was disturbing/wrecking. It was the Dr. Jekyl / Mr. Hyde that I never even saw at the time. I’ve had a blast with the booking end of things. It has served me much better then the creating end of the music as I am sadly relegated to bass aka the Idiots instrument or screaming on stage. Something that although fun is far from creative and important in a band, in fact I dispute that misconception that the singers in the band are the focus or the core of what makes a band great although I fall victim to loving a band or hating them based on the singer. Weird how that works right? The things I used to do, be a part of would honestly be worldwide msg board fodder for weeks upon weeks with both sides foaming at the mouth for more b33f. God bless the inception of the internet really didn’t come til the tail end of the chaos. I do remember the Punishment msg board being a hotspot in the b33f. Funny that most of it was in fact my friends fighting with each other.

Like the time PAST called out my boy KEM and in return KEM crossed damn near 30 legal pieces that PAST had running at the time. In fact I’d say that KEM effectively destroyed my term of hanging at walls watching the majestic beauty of a wall unfold. Funnier still was PAST’s determination to kick KEM’s ass. We were on South Street and he (PAST) was talking about if he sees him. Sure enough we get to the spot (5^th and South) and KEM is on a bike and PAST walks up to him and was like “yo bro let’s go down the alley and talk a bit”. I remember Damien laughing and someone else making a gesture like “pull a chair this is going to get good”. What ensued was the most boring text book debate on Philadelphia Graffiti , the downtown scene and everything I didn’t care about. I think George and I left to get pizza and came back til it still going on. Ha… I miss the days of just being a soldier. Not getting the calls but being the one people were getting called about. Something fun and bad ass about always manage to cause a ruckus made going to shows or parties or South Street a blast and a story no matter the day. I remember when my boys got Freight Train together. It was such an odd coupling of Chris Cap (Release!!!!!NJ sxe) who was far from edge but a fucking blast, Mark and Jesse from the tattoo shop and good ol Diego and Slave whom I was close with.

I can remember them telling me they were doing a band and that they needed songs. Somehow or another they ended up using some lyrics I wrote “beyond understanding”. When Diego showed up with the Demo I realized we were going to have a new world of chaos in our hands. First show was in NJ at some shit bar that tried to do shows in South Jersey. First note I started dancing and boomed was choked and kicked out.
I don’t even know if they got to play a full set. I was so shit faced I would have really been up shit’s creek if Cracker and Dean hadn’t convinced the cops to let me go. Later on Freight Train shows would be the swan song of the Ninth Circle days, the end of my being drunk and stupid at shows. I can’t think of a show that didn’t have 20 or more of us there together raising hell and havin a blast. Whether it was Allentown, Lansdale or Philly we really had some good fuckin times.

I think of piling up in Carmen’s lil Plymouth and being shitfaced and high before we even left Philly. Some of the best /worst times were in that car driving somewhere. The best thing about Freight Train was that these promoters would really try to get them to calm down or get us to pay to get in but it didn’t work. Dudes would really carry a single cymbal stand to get in.

So fuckin backwards to what I was doing at the time trying to keep bands coming in from out of town. It was great on one hand to have a friends band make the waves down here. I remember watching people kiss Diego’s ass that hated him and thinking better him then me. Its been a long time and now I can see where he got a lot of his thoughts from. Its hard to be the guy that’s gotta keep everything together. Be the band guy, be the party guy and then be the crew guy that’s gotta keep the place in check. Big shoes to fill, a lot of choices that will always leave someone pissed and another doubting, I’m at the point now where I just look to what I want more then other people’s feelings in that regard. If you’re going to be an asshole to someone, you might as well be right in your thinking as well. I remember shows with Second To None and Freight Train and the absolute terror in some of these kids eyes. It was really something that isn’t possible to recreate today. The new wave of kids aren’t built for that much abuse. Unlike many gay crews from around the country that die out when a band dies out, we were actually worse at other shows I think.

I can remember the time when most of the real trouble makers went to a show Damien did in the burbs and that night we get home and it was pandemonium in the gossip department. 20 of the “younger” dudes had a major blowout at the Church during the Get Up Kids. I wasn’t there but I know prominent hardcore dudes got socked, coffee was thrown and the young boys I’ve watched grow from small church shows in our hood have finally got their own dirt. It was a weird moment. I was elated to hear that for the first time it wasn’t me or Carmen or Bushy involved. For once I could say “hey don’t look at me”. I am sure that’s far from how I felt then as I know there were proceeding non show asskickings that resulted from that show but it’s a notion that leads me to think about all of this.
Who the fuck was I to try to do shows on one hand and be so fuckin ignorant on the other? It’s a great thing this hardcore world and I was not headed down the path that would lead me to anything but jail or death. I’ve gotta say that Chris Spear from Dysphoria from being good friends with him really took me off that path. I think he saw more in me. More then what most did at the time. God only knows when I started being a fixture at Dysphoria shows that they were getting shit for the alliance but it really saved me. I was on the verge of being 19 when I got asked to go on tour. It was Christmas times 1000. In fact the only things that have made me happier since was a first kiss and two beautiful children.
I really think the final straw in the Ninth Circle card was pulled in June of that year. I’d booked Freight Train, Clubber Lang, Second To None, Overthrow (LI), Kensington for the church near my house. Things were going smooth. Usual NJ dudes showing up 30 deep, no one paying and it being cool. Most of my friends were drinking elsewhere but always knowing when to come inside. Overthrow had been stuck in traffic and running late. I couldn’t help them too much as I had to watch the show, mosh for every song(man I wish I had that kind of time now) and make sure things were going smooth. Back then I ran a vocal PA only and had to play the part of promoter, stage manager, sound guy, and lead mosher… God bless being 19 and not getting laid. Things were awesome, a few minor arguments but not one fight. Carmen’s girl got kicked in the face by a friend being the only major injury of the moment. Overthrow shows up and sets up merch. I tell them its too late and they can’t play. It was hard getting bands to be on time, have equipment then. I didn’t have my shit together like I do now. I wish I did but fuck it, it was the shows then that got me to be like I am now. After I tell them they can’t play the dude in the band goes nuts and knocks all this shit off the merch table. Causes a scene. People go up to them and tell them pretty much, eat shit and leave or get fucked up and not ever get back to NY. I know one friend who went as far to get a shotgun from his car… next thing you know there is an argument amongst friends over this dispute.
In charming irony, they were only fighting because one friend didn’t see everything and saw the other friend talking shit to the band. A girl in the middle of it leads to a gun being pulled and the whole place going crazy. I know people ran out the door and a knife was stabbed into the doorway. Minutes later as everyone is leaving and I am trying to see whats going on, a girl we know all too well maces someone that everyone knows these days and my babys momma is then kickin her ass on the sidewalk of the church. Soon enough that girl gets the shit kicked out of her by others and I am watching a Chinese fire drill of people leaving the church as soon as possible. Cops are coming, everyone is running around like crazy. I remember the Chicago dudes that came to hang out were in complete amazement of the situation.
It was a small minor event that lead to a lot of my friends beefing amongst each other. I got banned at the Troc over it (ha didn’t even do it) and I learned a lot about what people say in hindsight versus what their actions were that night. I had a great weekend with Second To None with the Chicago guys. It ended on South Street Sunday when we beat up some roadies of Indecision on South Street for acting hard and starting nonsense. I think today I would be in jail for even trying to fight like that on 4^th and South. Oh well.

I learned a lot and less then a month later I went on tour. Met so many influential people to my early 20s that I have never been able to look back fully. The rest of 99 shaped out with me coming home after only drinking once on tour (that’s a big wow for back then) Some more shows, a lot of violence but the drinking and getting high tapered off. I started a band with Black Mike and Damien with my friend Mike Mig. Practicing became a big deal to me.
I wanted to be a better person for the first time in forever. Time spent with my daughter and seeing how the drinking her mom was doing wasn’t cool for her to see. I wanted to be a better father for the first time. I think at 19 with what I was going through that it was one of my better resolutions.
I was not ready for Carmen shooting himself. No one was. It really tore my life into pieces. He’d been a rock, a foundation. A dude I could talk to , could count on. Gone for good. Looking into his coffin I was almost sick in my mouth. I will never forget that day. The next day I stopped drinking. 2 years later I would have 3 x’s tattooed across the back of my neck only to come from tour seeing a billboard for the movie and being pissed. Its funny for me to type all this out.
Its probably far from a good read, but something I’ve pondered over the past few years. Punishment being a band in one sense ended a lot of the Ninth Circle days. I was away from the city a lot. When I was home the fights that happened were getting less serious and involved the “younger” crowd. My friends were more into the bars and staying out of the small show scene.
The nights spent out front of the Killtime included less me fighting, more me trying to be the middle man. Sure I wasn’t perfect and far from that today, but the change from the band was monumental. Yet the stigma still applied. My friends still ruined everything. I didn’t matter what I did, or what I was doing in my band, we were still the black sheep and menace. The reason no one else had fun. Its cool, I would never change an aspect of it. Just was what it was. It stayed like that for another 2 years and then tapered off to things being ok.
Enter the Horrorshow days and No Rights and funrama and us finally being on good terms with Robby after it seemed like forever of being able to laugh and hang out but being on opposite sides of arguments. I was finally seeing what he was saying back in 96.
Sorry Robby it took so long for me to grow up. 2 more years and I was able to not only work shows at the Church thus eliminating the trouble between my friends and the weak security dudes that didn’t do much of securing anything. I think of the bands now, versus then. Man we could have done so much, but we ruined that. We didn’t deserve it yet. We had to spend those years being asses, having to go to the Killtime or Funrama because the Church wasn’t doing hardcore shows. Now its been 10 years since I danced with bricks in my school bag, or showed up dusted and dancing with the intent on cutting someone with a boxcutter for the first mistake.

I’ve worn the scars and the scorn of many. I don’t want a statue or an award, but I think for all intents and purposes there is a world of difference in 10 years. I am still associated with all things that are evil and I wouldn’t have them any other way. Its been my legacy, the only difference is while I could have done ‘better’ things or the ‘right’ things I chose this. Its not always the popular choice and there will always be someone who disagrees or shoots rocks.
However I can say that I am still here and I still making a difference, good or bad. I’ve watched my critics get old or get cool and fade away. I’ve been accused by the freshcuts and greenhorns of the core of being the devil and its never stopped me.
A lot of people that I look forward to conversations with are people who saw the bad in me then and I am very happy to have in my life as friends now. That says enough. I will leave this entry with a youtube video of me playing bass in Freight Train with Damien on guitar. The show was the last Freight Train show (not like today when people make a big deal about it) but they didn’t play after. And with 2 punishment dudes in the band and max it wasn’t the real lineup so to speak to begin with. But it was one more night with the guys that made the end of my teen years worth living..

Send all the hate you can. We’re still here..