Last Night

Within a breath I knew she was lost to me.
The idea, the wish, the dream of being alone was one I championed in spite of my heart’s wishes.
She stood there glimmering in white satin like an actress not far from the red carpet.
I never felt so low.
I never felt so embarrassed to be in my shoes, in my clothes, in my state of affairs.
She made me feel like I was nothing just by being there.
I had my chance to have heaven on earth with an angel and threw it away.
I chased her from my side with bats and knives and tours galore.
I stood there sucking wind and trying to communicate and all I could get out was that she looked pretty. I had my chance years ago to stand to her side complimenting her in my best suit. We would have been a pair you’d like to see in plastic, miniaturized and placed upon your wedding cake. Instead I came home and realized I got all of that I wished for and none of it paid off. I can’t rest easy on all that I’ve lost, I can’t breath thinking about how little I truly gave to someone who was so kind, so docile.
I didn’t sleep last night. I tossed and thought about how she was getting laid that night and I could have been the one lucky enough to sleep by her side in that post coital glory.
I’m not strong enough to cry for the mistakes I’ve made, the pain I’ve caused. I’d be stuck here a week and a day bawling like a girl for the grief I’ve held back.
She was everything to me and I gave her nothing. She’d never looked so glamorous, so beyond my reach. She was never my type and always out of my league.
Yet she loved me til her heart could not bear the torment and agony.
For all it’s worth there is hope for her yet but it comes at each step further from me.