The Words Fell Out of Her Mouth Wtth The Grace Of A Guillotine

I’ve grasped the concept of the word Penance. I’ve learned of the heights to which I may soar beyond the clouds only to grasp and claw another mile forward. There is no goal in sight as it’s all in payback. My best efforts will receive no validation, no reward and no sense of satisfaction. Like the cup that you make drink your heart and belly’s content only to be thirsting evermore. It’s the new way I will take each breath and stir restless each night. To never hold in my hand the prize for all my toil. To know its warmth and its beauty but to only have the tingle of memory to keep me dazed and pushing forward. To know not the sweet taste of her lips or the sensual aesthetic of her silhouette undressed upon my bed. To always roll to a cold side of a bed too big for one, I will crawl through each day with her visage in every reflection tantalizing my heart and poisoning my mind.
I’ve failed to see the paths laid before me; I’ve turned away from the soundest of advice. I’ve chose the path least traveled, not out of courage or nobility but out of folly,immaturity and the true damnation of irony. I will never cease in this deed unless fate feels pity and stops me dead in my tracks or my foolishness leads my life to a merciful end. This is the new pain to which I will wear like scourged Christ bearing the cross before the curious crowd on his way to Golgotha.

To know you’ll never be number one in someone’s heart again or be the shoulder to lean upon and sob. To wake up each day wondering how your children have slept and if they’ll understand why their father disappeared into insanity. To choose to serve where you once lead. It’s a miraculous irony to open my eyes to what she once had months after she gave her last gasp of hope away to the arrogance and selfishness. To lie awake each night wondering if she wrote or if she’s lying in bed with another. To hope that each call coming in is from her and she’s en route ala ’03 and we’ve got that big kiss coming up.
These days will be for nothing as I’ve already lived as well as I could and chose to lie with devils and succubi. I will never be graced with heaven on earth and I will never have her back, yet I will push myself past my breaking point to pay for what I’ve done in a feeble attempt at regaining my self worth, my pride and in another life – her love again.